Monday, October 3, 2016
Be a wife, not a knife
I do not blame any of the women in my life for showing me what strength looks like… These amazing women taught me independence and resilience. There was a high value placed on a quality education and obtaining a good job and rightly so. The male presence was so unpredictable and turbulent. Mothers and aunties were making sure you do all you can, to be okay with or without a man. This was all fine and dandy until I found a man worth keeping. I’m talking about long term, put a ring on it, be my wife kind of life. All the while, these are the thoughts playing in the back of my mind, “you don’t need a man, I can do this without him, one more argument and I’m gone! I had zero tolerance for some of the minute things.
I am woman here me ROar!!!! However, my husband was shrinking further and further away from this strong black woman, who professed not to need him or any man for that matter. So contradictory of it all.
Let’s back up a minute. Many women who grew up in single parent homes, divorced homes, or raised by neither parent at all have created an automatic protective mechanism. Black women had to present a hard exterior and almost take on the roles of a man and woman. She is the disciplinarian, the nurturer, the breadwinner and head of the household. Sometimes with the male being present in the home, the woman still seemed to run the house to the point of running him away. Before the age of OBAMA, men were perceived as non-existent in the household and irresponsible. The government played daddy in many households. Therefore, women were either forced and sometimes by choice to become single mothers. Many of these women rested on the backbone of governmental assistance to get by. I want to take it a bit further to 1712, The Willie Lynch Letter (Some say it was not real, nonetheless it seems relevant in explaining the generational Traumatic experience held in our DNA)
“We breed two n____males with two n___ females. Then we take the n__ males from them and keep them moving and working. Say the one ni___ female bear a n___ female and the other bears a n___ male. Both n___ females, being without the influence of the n___ image, frozen with independent psychology, will raise their offspring in reverse positions. The one with the female offspring will teach her to be like herself, independent and negotiable. The one with the n___male offspring, she being frozen with a subconscious fear for his life, will raise him to be mentally dependent and weak, but physically strong.” (Hassan-EL, 1990.p19) The Negro Marriage Unit
The female-male relationship has been distorted and manipulated for a very long time. Black women are so independent and strong; their men have to check twice for their man card. I’m not saying black women must be weak, but there is a secret to this marriage and submit notion that is so widely detested. (Submit is not as negative as you may think if your married to the right man) Majority of people are neglecting to acknowledge or accept the real meaning of submit in relation to marriage these days. I have just discovered “some” of these myself, and maybe you already knew but I want to share with you what I have learned.
Be quiet sometimes and listen. I mean truly listen to what your mate is saying. Sometimes we as women have to be heard and have the last word. Not so, let him get his thoughts out. Your answer to your question may be around the corner but you bulldozed through his response and now he doesn’t want to talk anymore. At this point there is a problem.
Men are just as sensitive as women. Please don’t let the muscles and those sexy lips fool you. Make sure to say whatever you have to say in love. Especially if its criticism. Be mindful of your tone and facial expressions. Women are so used to saying whatever comes to mind in an emotional tantrum,only to seal it with an “I’m sorry” later.
Sometimes men don’t care about whether or not the house is clean or if dinner is cooked on time. Sometimes he just wants some quick loving. If he comes up behind you and grabs you with a slap!! Cut the stove off or drop the laundry and pick it up later. He may be so satisfied that he may finish the food or fold the laundry for you….
Stop being so controlling. Allow him to lead. If he is truly leading correctly, he will consult with you before he makes a move anyway. Don’t worry…. Rest in Jesus and allow your man to be a man.
Develop a Team Mentality: You don’t have to announce how much you get paid, your latest promotion, the new model car you’re driving, if you can change your own flat tire… I’m not saying not to be proud of your accomplishments, but what I am saying is that men are providers and problem solvers at heart. He wants to be the reason you smile. He wants to give you your heart’s desire or at least have a hand in it. Turn the “I” into “Us” or you’ll begin to strip his manhood away by demonstrating to him, you don’t need him.
Be supportive. Supportive looks different depending on the man you’re with so ask him what he considers support. My husband is determined to work out every night. He was extremely tired one night but was adamant about working out. So, I stayed up one night to motivate him and push him through each set. I was sleepy yes! But he expressed so much “appreciation” the next morning for my support.
Show him you appreciate him. I don’t care if he changes the light bulb, unclogged the sink, and/or washed the car. This may seem like normal things to you, but these are acts of service and are major gestures of love to him.
Please understand, it’s okay to say you need a man in your life. This does not make you weak or vulnerable. It does not take away from your strength. If you have a good man, love on that man. More specifically, rest in your feminity and give your man back some of the masculinity in the relationship. Use the remaining masculine energy for the work world. Rest in your role as a woman and he will be the man you need. He has no choice; you’ve called out the king in him.
I also recommend finding out your mates love language as well here www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/couples/
Angie B Love