Thursday, June 2, 2016


 I need someone to complete me....
I need someone to make me whole…
I need to get married and have kids before I turn thirty….
What’s wrong with me? I’m over thirty and not married yet?

 Iyanla Vanzant breaks the surface of marriage and the power struggle within. Her perspective is fresh and thought provoking. She has been married twice. As a result, she has decided to never get married again. In a recent article found on, Veronica Wells writes on Vanzant’s ideas on marriage.  While on “It’s Not You, It’s Men,” with Tyrese and Rev Run, Vanzant expresses how marriages are not equal partnerships.  When I felt an emotional response to her words, I knew I had to re-evaluate my own marriage. I was raised under a Christian foundation and married into a male dominate perspective.  This sociological foundation forced me to step out of my comfort zone in order to tackle Vanzant’s suggestion of marriage from a fresh perspective.  I believed she was on to something here….
I would like to build a foundation for her argument and from there, build my own logic behind her notion.  The dynamics of the female- male relationship are quite interesting. No matter how advanced women have become educationally and financially, society perpetuates the inaccurate ideology of a woman’s value is defined in relation to a man, through the presence of a man; her man.  You may disagree with me, but look at how society has practically crucified Halle berry’s desirability….
No need for further explanation… lets first look at how marriage is perceived from childhood into adulthood. Men are raised to conquer, provide, and pro-create. Women are raised to be home makers, nurturers, and good girls. Very basic?! Not so, these men grow up resenting marriage. It is the symbol of emasculation and the loss of prowess and desirability for men.  This leads to the ball and chain jokes or the “Yo, she (the wife) let you out to play man” antics.  As if he is in some sort of prison… when it should symbolize a progression of manhood and celebration of adulthood. No, this is not every man but it is enough men with this mentality to be addressed.  Women are married in their dreams by age four lol...  Some even know their wedding colors and all that jazz. It is every girls dream to find their night in shinning amour. (Disclaimer** I’m aware there are women who do not want to ever, nor have they ever wanted to get married or have kids, but you are few and far between ladies)
I wanted to share some of the mental psychology of men and women in the paragraph above so I can bring in Ms. Vanzant’s words of enlightenment below.

Here’s the thing, relationships are not where we go to have fun. Relationships are where we go to heal and where we go to learn. And who you’re going to attract is the person that’s going to bring to the forefront the thing you need to learn or heal or the thing that’s going to help you grow the most.

We come into this world broken. This causes us to subconsciously seek out people and situations that are reflections of our broken selves. We heal ourselves one relationship at a time, we mend ourselves through the broken pieces discovered throughout the relationship. Our spirits are lacking a true pureness needed to love our mates whole-heartedly. Marriage is for two complete and whole individuals who see each other as equals in value and presence. When you see a man feeling the need to dominate a woman or a woman feeling the need to have a man to make her whole, this is a sign of spiritual infancy and more healing is needed. We have to fight against pre-determined definitions of a husband and wife to find true balance and partnership. No one is above or beneath the other in value. We are side by side. We are one.

The creation of equal partnerships in marriages require a higher level of consciousness and awareness of self.  I believe the current state of our society does not allow a true equal partnership to exist. Until we discover, heal, and repair our hearts and minds, marriage should not be an endeavor we choose to take on. But here’s the thing, so many of us are too lazy to do the “work” on ourselves as Iyanla Vanzant has done. Until then, marriage will be a shadow of what God designed it be….
A symbolic representation of God’s love for the church, his people. The guiding light and a vessel of change…

These are my thoughts…

Angie B Love


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