MARRIAGE REDEFINED

 I need someone to complete me....

I need someone to make me whole…

I need to get married and have kids before I turn thirty….

What’s wrong with me? I’m over thirty and not married yet?

 Iyanla Vanzant breaks the surface of marriage and the power struggle within. Her perspective is fresh and thought provoking. She has been married twice. As a result, she has decided to never get married again. In a recent article found on root.com, Veronica Wells writes on Vanzant’s ideas on marriage.  While on “It’s Not You, It’s Men,” with Tyrese and Rev Run, Vanzant expresses how marriages are not equal partnerships.  When I felt an emotional response to her words, I knew I had to re-evaluate my own marriage. I was raised under a Christian foundation and married into a male dominate perspective.  This sociological foundation forced me to step out of my comfort zone in order to tackle Vanzant’s suggestion of marriage from a fresh perspective.  I believed she was on to something here….

I would like to build a foundation for her argument and from there, build my own logic behind her notion.  The dynamics of the female- male relationship are quite interesting. No matter how advanced women have become educationally and financially, society perpetuates the inaccurate ideology of a woman’s value is defined in relation to a man, through the presence of a man; her man.  You may disagree with me, but look at how society has practically crucified Halle berry’s desirability….

No need for further explanation… lets first look at how marriage is perceived from childhood into adulthood. Men are raised to conquer, provide, and pro-create. Women are raised to be home makers, nurturers, and good girls. Very basic?! Not so, these men grow up resenting marriage. It is the symbol of emasculation and the loss of prowess and desirability for men.  This leads to the ball and chain jokes or the “Yo, she (the wife) let you out to play man” antics.  As if he is in some sort of prison… when it should symbolize a progression of manhood and celebration of adulthood. No, this is not every man but it is enough men with this mentality to be addressed.  Women are married in their dreams by age four lol...  Some even know their wedding colors and all that jazz. It is every girls dream to find their night in shinning amour. (Disclaimer** I’m aware there are women who do not want to ever, nor have they ever wanted to get married or have kids, but you are few and far between ladies)

I wanted to share some of the mental psychology of men and women in the paragraph above so I can bring in Ms. Vanzant’s words of enlightenment below.

Here’s the thing, relationships are not where we go to have fun. Relationships are where we go to heal and where we go to learn. And who you’re going to attract is the person that’s going to bring to the forefront the thing you need to learn or heal or the thing that’s going to help you grow the most.

-Vanzant

We come into this world broken. This causes us to subconsciously seek out people and situations that are reflections of our broken selves. We heal ourselves one relationship at a time, we mend ourselves through the broken pieces discovered throughout the relationship. Our spirits are lacking a true pureness needed to love our mates whole-heartedly. Marriage is for two complete and whole individuals who see each other as equals in value and presence. When you see a man feeling the need to dominate a woman or a woman feeling the need to have a man to make her whole, this is a sign of spiritual infancy and more healing is needed. We have to fight against pre-determined definitions of a husband and wife to find true balance and partnership. No one is above or beneath the other in value. We are side by side. We are one.

The creation of equal partnerships in marriages require a higher level of consciousness and awareness of self.  I believe the current state of our society does not allow a true equal partnership to exist. Until we discover, heal, and repair our hearts and minds, marriage should not be an endeavor we choose to take on. But here’s the thing, so many of us are too lazy to do the “work” on ourselves as Iyanla Vanzant has done. Until then, marriage will be a shadow of what God designed it be….

A symbolic representation of God’s love for the church, his people. The guiding light and a vessel of change…

These are my thoughts…

Angie B Love

References

http://madamenoire.com/617890/iyanla-vanzant-says-she-doesnt-want-to-marry-again-because-marriages-arent-equal-partnerships/#

When life hands you lemons, make the best damn lemonade ever!!!!

" Beyoncé echoes the words of activist and author Malcolm X, who once said that:

"The most disrespected person in America is the black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman.”

Many black women across America are living this quote. We are the new day “strange fruit” Billy holiday song into our hearts and souls.  Instead of hanging from trees, we are swinging from mainstream distortions and male chauvinism.  We push our way through a world not designed with us in mind. Beyoncé changed the game by encouraging us to define the rules for ourselves. On April 23^rd, Beyoncé announced to the world more than her stages of betrayal and infidelity within her marriage, she led black women down the path of womanhood and dropped us in America’s front yard. We're here!!!  I am woman hear me roar!

Lemonade was her official call for black feminism and empowerment. Her heart wrenching transparency and poetic soul of art, reminded women across America, we all “feel” and “heal’ the same. We all feel insecurities, anger, self-doubt, and invisible at times. She allowed us to see ourselves through her. We rode waves of emotions with her, as she reminded us of days when our soul seemed to leave our body and our hearts were dipped into the fire of life. It is not only our relationships with the men in our lives which leaves us rattled sometimes. It’s the relationship we have with ourselves and the women we share this experience of  womanhood with, who may leave us confused and disturbed. We compete, judge, ridicule and fight amongst ourselves. We never once think to share the burden and be our sister’s keeper. Beyoncé gave us the courage to breathe again. When Life beat us down to the ground, when demands seemed unbearable and when labels were defined for us…We dwindled our light, our strength; we sometimes even questioned our beauty. (We questioned what we “should” do or who we “should” be.)  When life Suffocated us until we didn’t know who we were anymore, she gave us back our voice. 

Beyoncé’s album goes beyond infidelity and reaches into the soul of black women. She jolted us back to life. We followed Beyoncé’s evolution of “self” through the use of “other” as she made it the new “norm”. Lemonade was unapologetic, beautiful, and transcending all in one. So let’s get in formation ladies!!!!! It’s about time….

Angie B Love

Think Big!!! Vision Boards to the Next level

Have you ever tried to drive somewhere you've never been before and  your GPS suddenly stopped working?

 You feel frustrated, lost, and overwhelmed.

The same can be applied to your life. You are a creator.  You are the designer of your life. In order to get where you’re going, you must first design a road map of your life. Ask God to help guide you to your destination.  You must have a vision for your life. See yourself doing, becoming, and having what you desire.  I know there has been a lot of talk over the past few years in reference to creating vision boards and Goals. However, I suggest taking things a step further.

Recently, I went into a Mercedes Benz dealership. Almost a year ago, I placed a picture of a Mercedes-Benz on my Vision Board. I always wanted to test drive one, but my inner voice would say things like, “You can’t afford this car!” or “The salesman won’t give you the time of day!” I decided enough is enough. I drove into the dealership with my 2015 Nissan Altima and requested to talk to a salesman. Unlike what I expected, He was warm and welcoming. He listened to what I desired in a Mercedes. He told me I he knew just what I wanted. Went to get the keys and told me to follow him outside. He pointed me to the most beautiful thing I ever laid eyes on. (Since the birth of my babies of course) I felt tears of joy rush down my face as I continued to whisper, “This is it” This is my car!! I cannot express to you enough How it felt to drive her on the highway. Somewhere deep inside, this moment resonated with me and I asked God to hear me. I was calling it into my universe, into a world of Possibilities, my possibilities.  

God is calling for Radical Faith….  Here are a few suggestions I want to share with you as you take on a life of wealth, prosperity, and blessings….

#1. Always dress for the job you want, not the job you have. See yourself becoming a supervisor, Educator, etc. Faith without work is dead. So, make sure you are taking necessary courses and getting mental clarity on your desired career goals.

#2.  Walk through the home of your desires. Yes, you may live in a one bedroom apartment right now, but today does not determine tomorrow’s circumstances.  Test drive your dream car, visit the company you want to work for, reach out to someone in the field you want to work in… the doors of opportunity are limitless…

#3. Take 10-15 minutes of your day to meditate on the desires of your heart. Make them known to God. However, understand God requires something from his children. We are servant-leaders. We must find ways, daily to be servants and representatives of God as he blesses us to be a blessing to others.

Above all else, the following strategies above can serve as motivation. It beckons our greatness to come out the dark, into the light. It renews our drive and re-ignites the spark within us to go get what belongs to us.  There is enough to go around, just make sure you get yours!

Angie B Love

The Beautiful Storm: Untold truths about married life.

Have you ever experienced the sun shining while the rain was falling? Amazing right? At first you think its your senses playing a trick on you. Then you realize it’s real. A quiet calmness and enchantment embraces you. This is how marriage feels.  Marriage is a major adjustment. There is a vulnerability that comes with marriage. Many are not accustomed to the level of transparency and commitment required. Individuals are accustomed to doing things a certain way, “your way” for so long. It’s been all about you. I hear many single individuals scream, “I’m not about to get married and end up divorced, I’m good!!”

However, this type of perception has been the conception of the deception of what’s really going on with marriage. However, there are people who took the leap of faith into the unknown. Yes, it is hard work but anything of value is worth fight for, right?  I’ve been married six years on May 8^th of this year.  It has been a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, twists and turns.  If I had a choice I would do it again. I am a stronger because of it. I discovered my greatest strengths. Most of all, I have someone to share my life with… I’ve learned over the years the value of loyalty, dependability, and accountability. True partnership is everlasting.  I now understand what marriage is and not the naive fairytales I once envisioned.  Here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way.

“Stop looking for your spouse to complete you”

Yes, The “you complete me” sounds cute on V-day, but in reality, you are two whole people coming together as one to create something new. Your goal is to create a long-lasting and effective union. Leave your insecurities at the door or at least seek professional help so you don’t become a mental burden on your mate.

Financial Situations

If you were okay with his income, credit, tax issues, child support, work schedule, etc. before you decided to get married don’t give your mate the side eye later on. Work together, build, and improve your financial lives together.

Who disciplines the children?

Please remember when I tell you, one of you will be the nurturer and the other will be the disciplinarian.

Which one will you be? Make sure to have a talk about how you plan to discipline your children… (time out, etc.)

You will not like your spouse every day

Disagreements happen but agree to make up by a certain timeline. No one wants to walk around a home with negative energy floating around. The kids can feel it, the dog can feel it. Even the mail man, so get it right and fast.  You got an empire to build…

They share friends business

Married couples have pillow talk and sometimes it’s the latest issue a friend maybe having at the time. If you find yourself in this situation, make sure not to get upset when your spouse doesn’t want to be around certain people if you share some unbecoming things about your friend… I recommend keeping certain things about mutual friends to yourself. I know this is your best friend now, but save the headache!

Married people still date each other

When you’re living with your best friend, you really don’t have to get out the house all the time… Sometimes just a child-free house, a few bottles of wine, and your favorite dinner are all you need…    It’s easy on the budget as well…. Nonetheless, whether you choose to stay in or dine out, there is opportunity to recharge and renew with each other.

Sometimes married couples want to be single

Yes, then you realize when you were single, you wanted to be married. These feelings will pass eventually.

My friend, your friend, our friend

Some friends you will share as a couple. While others you will have separately. It’s okay, you won’t share everything. As long as there is respect for the union you two share (no cheater set ups), go out, have fun, and enjoy your night out with the guys/girls!!

Quickie Appointments

The struggle is real. Kids, work, obligations, etc. are taking up all your time and energy. Before you realize it, almost seven days have gone by and nothing has happened in the love making department. Sometimes you’re just too tired to get it in. I have a solution…  (Drum roll please)  “Schedule your quickies.” I know, I know… before getting married you could time your playtime like the “back of your hand” not anymore, lol lol.

The Representative is GONE!!!

 He will leave socks on the floor. You will have morning conversations while on the toilet. He will purchase your tampons. She will have morning breath and a hair bonnet. Any annoying thing you can think of will be in your face. You will be with this person 24/7. In the past, you could go to your respective homes on the weekdays and get away to each other’s place on the weekends. Three days to wow and impress and four days to rest. You get the point…

All in all, marriage is fun, exciting, and hard work. I enjoy being married; it’s like learning to riding a bike. In the beginning you’re going to fall. You may get a few bumps and bruises but one day you’re going to catch your balance. You will get the hang of it. As a child, the day you learned to ride your bike is the day you realized you can go anywhere in the world you wanted….  The same applies to your marriage!!  

Share in the comment section below how long you’ve been married and any tips you’ve learned. I want to hear from you.

Angie B Love

"My Son Is Gone Because Someone Deemed Him a Criminal and Not My Child" ***Angie B Love responds to mother of Andrew Joseph III*****

 Thank you so much for sharing your story Ms. Deanna Joseph. Your son is our son.  His death enrages me to tears as I look over at my ten year old. He is full of life and optimistic about his future. He wants to become a doctor.  I'm not so sure he will have a fair chance to achieve his dreams.  In a world that seeks to swallow him whole, I pray each and every night. I pray for God's protection in a world so cold.  I want those big, shiny eyes to remain full of hope and promise when he envisions his future. I never want his spirit to become dull, damaged or helpless from society’s mental and physical beatings. Black children are dehumanized and ostracized. "The evidence shows that perceptions of the essential nature of children can be affected by race, and for black children, this can mean they lose the protection afforded by assumed childhood innocence well before they become adults ("Black Boys Viewed as Older, Less Innocent Than Whites, Research Finds", 2014).”

 Black children are perceived as violent, inhumane, and dangerous.  Through the womb (women) and the offspring (her children), there is a calculated extermination of the black race. Although it feels like a strategic assault on the lives of black children and women, I will not live in fear for my son or daughters lives.  Ms. Joseph, I commend your strength. Through your voice and countless others, a change will come. In regards to the victimization of African American Youth, I admire your outward transformation of your pain into an evolving social consciousness. Police are supposed to protect, inspire, and guide the young; not exterminate and perpetuate cultural racism. It seems as though we have gone backwards, as if we’ve traveled back in time; before Martin Luther King JR., before the fall of Jim Crow or the signing of the Emancipation Proclamation in 1863. Except, this time, it’s not overt but covert, hidden in plain sight. Do you feel the police force has become more like the new day Klu Klux Klan? Please weigh in down below….

Angie B Love 

References

1.      Black Boys Viewed as Older, Less Innocent Than Whites, Research Finds. (March 6). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/03/black-boys-older.aspx

2.      Gabrielson, R., Grochowski, R., & Sagara, E. (2014, October 10). Deadly force, in black and white. Retrieved from http://www.propublica.org/article/deadly-force-in-black-and-white

Please read the full article by following the link below.

                                                                                                            

Article Link:

 http://www.theroot.com/articles/news/2016/02/police_kill_unarmed_black_man_in_texas_say_they_mistook_cellphone_for_gun.html?wpisrc=newsletter_jcr:content%26

Andrew Joseph III 

COURTESY OF DEANNA JOSEPH

Why some people have given up on church?

I was raised in the church. I went to church practically every day for some reason or another as a child. Skirt-wearing (No pants allowed)in the winter time, donuts selling on nice summer Saturday’s kind of church going gal…  Sunday school, Sunday worship, Sunday evening services was my life. I believe my grandmother knew she had to keep me preoccupied.  What better way to keep a young girl out the street than introducing her to God.  That was my life, until I became an adult. I was able to make decisions for myself. Guess what, your girl went on a church-cation. Yep, you heard me and my made up word.  A vacation from church, but how can you go on vacation from God lol…

 I was so upset with how the church dynamic operated and it was across the board to me. Nowhere felt safe for my spiritual rest and elevation at the time. I was a young mother of one, searching for acceptance while trying to pursue educational advancement.....
 I am now on a quest to build and maintain a relationship with Christ. I am a wife, mother, etc. now and I have to become grounded for my children.  In order to do so, I had to remember that Christ loves the church. We are the church, Gods people.  I love Christ, so in turn; I must love what he loves. No matter how you feel about the church, Christ commands us to never fail to assemble ourselves together.  ( Hebrew 10:25  {NIV} Not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.)

 Here is the thing…  Christ commands us to encourage (love) each other…   did we forget this integral part of his instructions?

There is a religious (self-righteous) type of church goer that has strangled the life out of Infants in Christ. Babies in Christ are considered green, fresh, and new to the walk…   “Religious individuals” approach these individuals with criticism instead of guidance. These are the people who feel they are “more’ saved than you. They are at every service, every event, and meeting in efforts to keep the judgment-gossip wheel going.   God is love and this is not love...  Sometimes seasoned individuals forget their place; which is to love, cover and guide.  They become the opposite of what God commands.  It is our duty to bring new souls to Christ and allow him to clean them up and renew their minds. Your whispers, stares, and alienation will not help.  Nope, not one bit. It hurts my heart to hear people tell me they do not “Do church.”   The church can do so much for the community and world as a whole, only  if we can come together and operate as one. One body in Christ.
Have you had an experience with a "religious" type of person and how did you handle it?
I want to hear your thoughts in the comment section below.

Concerned and bewildered

your sister gal,

Angie B love

I fell in love….

I fell in love….

I always wondered what this kind of love felt like. I never understood how someone could have a love affair so strong with a man they’ve never met. It seemed beyond my understanding. My educated mind felt inadequate, sometimes rationalizing my shortcomings by telling myself, “The ones who loved this man so radically must be insane and careless in their pursuit for his face.”

“How could he allow so much pain and suffering in our lives if he loved us” or “If he loved me so much, life wouldn’t be so hard.” Until one day, his hand touch mine, my soul quivered and a warm embrace filled me with love and understanding. His pureness engulfed my undeserving heart. He gave me another chance.  Now, I do things not because it’s the right thing to do but because it pleases him.  He has set me aside, his daughter, and placed me in the fire to make me over in his image. I accept my cross daily in my walk with him. I know without doubt or fear he carried me through the darkest hours of my life.  He has been here all along, waiting, watching, protecting his daughter.  I asked for a personal relationship with this man named Jesus a long time ago…

Now I know him for myself and I’m proud to tell the world “I’m in love with a man named, Jesus!! He is my everything and I’m his everything.”

Allow him to come into your heart. He will change your world. You can’t change yourself.  He loves you just the way you are.  Come to him and allow your father to work in you and through you. Jesus will strengthen you and make you whole. Do not allow judgmental, critical, and religious people to keep you away from his love, not even “YOU” yes, you!
Comment below and share your first time with Christ...

I Love you,

May God bless and keep you until we meet here again,

Angie B Love